I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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