OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
