I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
