dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
