he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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