i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
