Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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