I should be sponsored by Trojan
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
