90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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