everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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