i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
