Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
my phone needs a breathalizer
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
