dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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