i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Farmville is her only friend.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
