There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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