I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
