Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
