a queef is a wish your heart makes.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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