I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
