Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
