I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
