smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Every concussion has its silver lining
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
