i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He shit in the fireplace
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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