Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
