Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
