Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
