This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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