sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
