so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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