Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I woke up under a house in Key West
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
