that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
