Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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