A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
