New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize