I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
