At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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