My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
