My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
