There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
