please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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