and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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