im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
