@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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