can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
