I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize