You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Randomize
