Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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