it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
