I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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