Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
