I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I want to have your abortion
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
