Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
