Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
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