Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
