Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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