my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize