i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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