i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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