There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
