i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
whose parrot is this?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
