So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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