They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm at about main and main street
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
