I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
be right there i have to get my cape
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Randomize