1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Randomize
