What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize