i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
