i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Randomize
