i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
