I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
