fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
